Having turned a Vibrational Corner! Yea, for me.

I confess it.  I’m thrilled!  I haven’t posted enough in this blog yet for you to know me, so how could you care?  Yet, I think if we are of like minds and you are working on changes in yourself that have to do with your emotional scale, your vibration, harnessing the power of your subconscious, being positive; you may see reason for thrill.

I love and admire my sons.  My oldest has always tended to seek to be and act younger than expected.  Honestly, I have not interacted with that in him very much of late.  He’s had to, no; he’s willingly shouldered considerable responsibility.  However, this morning he needed to and wanted to deliver some “bad news” to me and couched it in as kind an introduction as possible.  Inevitably (past reference) the point came at which there was a bit of yelling and some pejorative finger pointing.  The reason I am feeling quite triumphant is that afterword, rather than (always before, excessive) ruminating, drama majeure, pain and suffering in the emotional realm – for me; I could look at it, take the message and feel sound in the vibrational sense.  And, I could move forward in my day.

Yea, I say, yea for me.  I have turned a significant corner, and I am glad!  The reason I am so outright aware that I have turned a corner is linked to the first post on this blog and also to my not having posted since. 

Earlier this year, I was spending my time in the home of an “outlaw”, (post in-law) relative who wanted to avoid being placed in a care center.  Between the two of us and the implications of Alzheimer’s and bipolar sprinkled liberally amongst us, we managed to mangle (pretty hopelessly) between us any livable perspective on who was caring for whom.  There are at least three other blogs I’ve done on all that so I’ll move forward now.  I mentioned that because even with my most awesome and fearsome reasoning powers I could not grapple with how angry I felt toward this elderly woman.  I must have walked this earth a good four months or so dripping venom and stirring the napes of necks of those more sensitive to ill will among us.

At some point, I had experienced enough of a reprieve, I said to the powers that be (my subconscious being one) that whatever happened, I would be positive.  This is much more significant than it seems because I have tended to see myself a positive person the majority of my life and had only recently taken someone else’s viewpoint to heart that I was pretty negative.  In fact, I said to that person, after lengthy cogitation, that part of my seeing myself as positive was that people liked me.  (That seems to say I had a belief that people don’t like negative people, and perhaps I do as when I feel I’m being negative, search high and low and you won’t find me.)  Saying that to him, was my admission to myself that I could see I had work to do – just to be what I had already thought I was – positive.

Another saga had begun.  I’ll tell you more, in time, but I am excited to have this to say.  I suppose we all get exposed more to the Brits and Aussies than previous to the internet and for some reason I feel like saying, “I’m going to bugger off now”.  If I have misused the term, feel free to blush on my behalf.  I look forward to next time.

Hello, everyone, A to Z! Hi, AZ!

Hi, AZ!  Don't worry about treading on some personal toes.  I made the greeting to cover everyone, you know, A to Z.  It's funny to see that it also looks like I'm saying hi to Arizona, where I've spent the majority of my life.

That leads me right in to what I wanted to say here.  I've been reflecting on some questions, not the least of which is "Do you have a plan for your life?  Or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?"  My answer mentally (to the first question) was howdy, hello, no!  (You can throw away six extra letters there, unless it was for you I was cleaning my language up a bit.)  Surely you jest!  You see I have been discovering over the last few years that I've been "spinning" my own life to me to a preposterous degree.

I've been working on taking charge and making it all better.  I blew it big time this morning and as I came to the end of a two hour walk, blatantly unrepentant despite knowing I was, in essence, digging my own grave, and feeling still rotten, I knew I had farther to go than my gloomiest projections.

I did manage to keep from stropping myself mentally, at least until I sat at one end of the house more than an hour fearing seeing my protagonist, then fearing not seeing her.  The worst part of that was having to face the inner knowing that I had no desire to apologize, or to explain or to seek forgiveness.

Dadgum, if I wasn't stuck, (after supposed years of evolving, heh, heh, yeh, right) with self arguing.  "I had every right".  (There's nothing quite like being right, even if you're the only one who sees it that way!)  But being stuck is pretty much a spot on match for the question, "or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?"

What I've been realizing (after thinking I had this down years ago) is that I have plots and plots of "stinkin' thinkin'".  My entire field needs to be changed.  The scope of that is rather mind boggling, in particular after all the grousing I've done about merely getting "positive."

And, so, I thought I'd work it out pretending to write the whole of it out for you.  Now, the good news is that if you're really reading it, I'm no longer pretending, and that feels all the better.  The not so shiny bright and good news is that if I never hear from you and have no clue you exist, it still feels like pretense to me.  I say this to plant a seed to let you know I'd really like to hear from you down the road, should you feel so inclined.