Dear Father,
I am angry, so
angry, and really, really very angry and I do not WANT to be going backwards
like this. I could go bury my head in
bed and say some things by rote and try
to get unconscious and go to sleep and hope I feel better after but that didn’t
happen between last night and this
morning. I don’t know what I should be
doing. I feel like a pawn again in my
prayers. Pray, pray, pray I was taught,
we humans are taught. Ask and I shall
receive, I am taught, read in the scriptures, see on the web, read in books and
talks and article titles; oh, yeah, “ask” and I “shall receive”. That has always worked between me and Thee,
now then, hasn’t it? Too bad I don’t
discern better what Thou dost want to give me, n’est pas? But, let me say thanks, Father. Let me say thanks. (Trust me; He does not need me to hold up the
sign: Sarcasm!)
I do hope I
have not bitten off more than I can chew!
I need to step up to the plate and say will chew. At least I know
for certain I am not the only individual on planet earth to find it difficult to
change my mindset, change my thinking, and change how I do my life. But, OMG, must it be so hard? It is so much more than changing just a
habit, although it is that as well.
The opening
paragraph is a watered down version of how totally out of control my thinking
and attitude can become. I’ve come to
realize I go straight for blaming God. I
pray on my knees every day and have for well over thirty years. (You thought I’d give my age away there, didn’t
you?) My conversations with God have
been a staple through all but a portion of one mood episode in my life and so
if I feel something with more power than I can handle at the moment, who am I
most used to talking to? Unfortunately,
that’s true even when I’m talking smack.
I honestly don’t think I could
stop talking to God, no matter how ugly I can be about my attitude. I know that’s offensive and I apologize to
those who cannot relate. I share so
openly because I know there are people who can relate and when I can take more
time, I will share what I am learning and have learned so that life needn’t be
so painful.
