“Damn!” She shouts in that overloud voice that she
has (and apparently adores). She’s
playing a game she’s convinced she taught herself and I’m sure the epithet was
meant to say to the others who’ve played the game a long time, in some cases
years, “Look at me! Am I not effin’ unbelievable,
yes?”
I
have at least half an idea why I’m really finding it difficult to write about
her. I say half an idea because this is
one of many multi-layered enigmas and I’m not sure I really want to look too
hard in this mirror.
When
I first realized she’d be rooming with me in the same house, it didn’t take me
too long to realize that I’d better bite the bullet and realize I was prejudiced. I’m not saying I’m positive I never realized
that before, but if I did I must have very quickly rearranged it somehow in my
mind. I am not proud to find this
weakness in me. I may also be incapable
of much respect for anyone who specifically chooses as a point of pride to say “I
aks you” in clear opposition to taking the time to think through and say it “I
ass-k you”.
All
that aside, you’ll really laugh when you realize what’s bothering me here. She’s been after and half-assed after my son
a long time, but once she got an old, as in former, roommate in the house, she
found herself all butt-hurt and came crying that he would “let” B (the new
roommate) do this and that and he had not ever privileged her in the same
way. She was characterizing herself in a
relationship with my son that simply did not exist. I finally suggested to her that she go to him
and say, “I’m going to make this real easy on you so I just want a yes or no
answer – do you see you and me in a relationship?” Sometime later she told me he wouldn’t answer
so I told her that if it were me, I’d seek nothing else from him, conversation
wise or otherwise, until he’d answered yes or no. She never reported back but I hope I never
have to see his face as aged and generally world weary as I saw it the morning
I asked him how he was doing and he detailed out for me how things had gone as
he had experienced her responding to his unequivocal no, hell no, not now no,
not in any future no. This, by the way,
was all in the course of him talking with me as he does, regardless of anyone
else. I’m pretty sure she had never said
anything about me.
So,
how’s it going since? I don’t know if
she’s playing a game, is seriously delusional, intends on being “Misery” movie’s
Kathy Bates to James Caan being updated as my son, or what. I’m dealing with things like being called “ma”. She made a point of saying to B, “oh
yeah. I call her ma.” Really?
News to me. Much more painful I’m
hearing new terms of endearment (?) being directed to my son and watching her
take over the house and hearing stories told (in that loud voice) along the
lines of how she told the UPS driver her last name was my son’s last name.
Now
about that mirror: I have been told a
good part of my life how loud my voice is.
(I mentioned she apparently adores it because I always felt shamed – and
shushed, when anyone said anything to me and she remarks how her favorite
people told her about her voice and then grins and carries on – loudly.) I am aware the same questions as to game
playing, the level of delusion, I
decline taking up the level of violence Kathy Bates demonstrated forty years
ago even if my “dear heart” is really a dip wad. BTW – the next morning I considered pulling
that post as I writhed in agony over the demonstration of codependency in vivid
streams of example.
There
are lots of ways I can see this woman as placed in my path for the express
purpose of pointing out to me that what irritates me in others can be found
(and usually should be ripped out by the short hairs) in me.
I
debated for hours over whether or not I should write this all up – for any
reason at all – but I want you to have an example of one of my worst, and most
destructive, habit patterns (habit patterns are much more deeply engrained and
encompassed than habits). I also wanted
you to understand what I mean when I talk about what my head was filled with.
Well,
AZ, I realize now I haven’t even greeted you.
Hi and goodbye both. Christmas
has almost snuck up on us.
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