So . . . have I created a VISION?

So . . . have I created a vision?  I have been creating one for some time now.  It is a work in process.  That is why I’ve been to bed and am back up to do some more now.  I realize I have not made it clear enough, specific enough.  I’ve come a long way but I also have a long way to go.  I am determined to obtain it so I’d better clarify it.  I’d hate to miss it for lack of me totally knowing, totally recognizing it when it comes, when it’s right there in front of me.

I picked up an article yesterday.  The author was writing about how she thinks the very worst she possibly can about a situation to keep it from happening.  Her dog had to be taken to the vet with a lump so she was envisioning cancer, death, burial; all in the name of doing her best to protect her dog.  She followed that up with a facetious account of how she hadn’t been paying attention to her son playing baseball and his lousy scores and what they would have been if she had only been projecting thoughts even more lousy.

She proceeded then to the meat of the article and how she really knows, when she’s in the right mood and of the right mindset that her thoughts really have no effect on events.  It set me off to thinking as I have been working to learn to affect my life by changing a lifetime’s habits of the way I think.

Sadly, my first thoughts were of giving up.  “I’m wrong again, might as well throw in the towel”, I thought.  Soon, though, I had another thought:  “What I’m learning is how to change my inner environment and as a consequence my vibration so as to daily experience being higher on the emotional scale, to more often “be” in my vortex (my stream of consciousness in Source Energy and all “life has caused me to become”).  This would all connect to my studying Abraham-Hicks, if you need the reminder.

Let me take this last paragraph and place it more squarely in the experiences of my life.  A little over twenty years ago I realized I was entertaining thoughts of desiring to be rid of my husband, the father of my children.  This was so utterly antithetical to all I’d ever told myself my life would be like that I acknowledge a deep schism with regards to it to this day.  

Quick aside:  I happened across a video night before last about some Christians finding the rock Moses struck for water for his people in the wilderness.  My mind brought me the picture back of this massive rock, rendered top to bottom with scripture containing the word “clave” superimposed upon it.  I can see everything having to do with my divorcing my first husband relating to that picture.

Just in anticipation, I began to have an inner apparition of myself throwing my hands up in the air, saying “I give up”.  It was visual and the feeling was one of defeat.  I knew that would not allow me to move forward and since I could not see remaining in the status quo (which I was pretty sure was leading me down the road towards another clinical depression five years after the first one), I was constantly on the watch for it and ways to make it retreat.  It’s surely time to leave that apparition (which can reappear on occasion) behind me forever, forever, forever.

However . . . I have not found it an easy matter to “change” what goes on in my head – primarily by habit, I presume.  I rode horses, on occasion, when I was a girl.  I’ve often thought how difficult it could seem (especially as a skinny lightweight girl) to rein those large animals in a direction they were not eager to go.  I’d try to move those reins a little lower and then a little higher on the horses’ neck and apply what arm muscle I had.  Sometimes it seems they just decided to cooperate.  Other times it was definitely a “no go”.  And, so it seems with being in charge of my thoughts.

I opened with, do I have a mission?  Reviewing all this with my thoughts and knowing my aims, I thought I want to picture (and write, writing’s so key for me) with more visualizing placement within me.  I mentioned (in an earlier post) wanting to replace the word vortex with purse.  I now understand all that much better now and see how silly an idea that was. It is the picturing, whether right or wrong, that helps me best to learn and remember.

That’s it for now, AZ.  Sayonara.

Peace, and Getting In to the Vortex or Whatever

Ah, there it is:  The memory of the paper within my chest.   The 8.5 X 11 sheet of paper, plain white; I notice it dangling:  telling me my purse is ok.  Let me explain.  Mania, like bipolar as a whole, has its own spectrum – I’m talking the frenzied, fast talking, mind flittering end of mania; like some of you with too much to drink, or the buzz on from something else.  I had a bunch of new credit cards, for me a bunch could have been one then, but I had more.  And I couldn’t find my purse.  Didn’t I always know exactly where my purse was?  Wasn’t I paranoid enough already to not let it out of my sight?  And yet it seemed to be nowhere.

I was in a cheesy “resort inn” bathroom with what seemed like a literal bevy of other women.  In anxiousness I asked everyone loudly, “have you seen my purse?  I need it right now!”  And that’s when it came.  So odd!  To describe it I finally settled on the dangling paper.  It was such a solid peaceful feeling!  I could no longer feel the anxiety or the mania.  Wow!  It truly seemed a miracle.  No purse, just a conviction I needn’t panic – no need.  Whew!  So now what?  I moved out of the crowded bathroom, went back to the conference room, my mind cleared; I remembered talking with folks in the third row.  There it was, undisturbed, on the floor by the chair I had sat in.  My credit cards were not maligned – until I, myself, tackled them later, as a manic always will.

I tell you that experience for a number of reasons.  One, ‘tis (or has been) the season where we talk peace a lot more than usual.  That experience was many years ago and I have always held on to the memory for the great peace it brought me.  I don’t recall doing anything different than my usual to receive that.  I believe it was an incredible gift.  I believe it was a lesson for me or teaching, somehow.  I’m certain I was meant to remember it and share it.
 

Secondly, I had another experience somewhat like that in reference to one of my sons, many years after.  My son is immeasurably more precious than any purse or any number of credit cards.  There was more even to that experience but the key connection was that feeling – that peace.  I have to say it like this:  the peace that surpasses everything, understanding, indeed.

Those of you who’ve had experiences anything like that; I encourage you to keep them in the forefront of your memory.  Hone the sharpness of your memory of them by talking about those experiences with people you know you can.  Match them together when there’s more than one.  I’m convinced they mean more than we know and they can succor us time and again.

So that what I say next does not seem so abruptly out of context, I’ll let you know that it is in reference to Abraham-Hicks and all the vortex talk.  I never really liked the term vortex too much.  I connected it to destructive forces of nature, the toilet and too many letters at the end of the alphabet, the v and the x, beginning and end:  how about I picture my purse.   I could hang it in the center of my chest cavity (like that piece of paper I spoke of earlier), carry it with me always, know where it is and access it.  Speaking of accessing it – what just now worked for me personally is thinking of Mae West’s walk in “I’m No Angel” and reading my blog posts in realityvbliss – maka me happy – and there I am – I’m in! Voila!  Cool!  Cool!  Cool!

See ya, or I should say, write to you, later, AZ folks.  Be safe.  K

Squirrels in the backs of my Thighs

I need to do this.  I’m learning thanks to Abraham Hicks primarily, although there are other sources as well, that my emotions are present to tell me things I otherwise would not be able to know about how I’m doing in creating my life.  I know that I have created my life so far and much of it is way behind where I want to be, so I am making an extra effort to pay attention and be quick to make the changes I need to make.   

I’ve been feeling “squirrely” (that seems to show up with discomfort in my stomach that is way overridden by goose bumpy thighs that feel like they are deserting ship, somehow) quite a bit these last three or four hours and since part of what I’m doing is looking at homes again, I’m reminded that I need to admit to seeing more and more clearly how negative and critical I can still be on a near constant basis.

I am grateful that as I am pricked in my mind that I am doing it again, I laugh as often as not which will hopefully allow me to release these habits faster.  I don’t expect you to have these same priorities but I look for clerestory windows (very hard to come by) or at least LOTS of windows well placed, a garage, a large (preferably oval) comfortable bathtub and clear preference if possible – washer/dryer.  

 I know after looking at lots of pictures that the kitchen very much matters as well – and I know it when I see it.  Keeping that in mind perhaps you concur with me that it seems utterly (and having seen enough of it, ridiculously) absurd to have what few pictures accompany most houses be of the “wrong” things.  I mean, come on, am I going to live in the community pool?  Do I really need three views of the same back yard tree without being able to see the back yard?  And, what is this?  No one who is not looking at it in context is going to have the least idea what this even is.  And, why show me all these pictures of the bathrooms with no way of being able to guess if there is an actual bathtub in there?  It’s heartbreaking!

Maybe you do it, too.  Nitpick and nag, possibly even curse in frustration as you do something you need to do, perhaps want to do, when you find yourself relying on others choices to make decisions.  Learn to notice what your head is filled with.  Pay attention to your dominant thought.  I’m beginning to really get it that it’s what we do inside ourselves that determines our circumstances.  I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you what you want to create.  I’m really having a good time though turning my circumstances around to my greater advantage.  Secretly, I have always wanted things to be better.  Now, I know I can expect that.