“You’re
an elitist,” he said, with civilized effrontery. “That can’t be good”, thought I. I wasn’t positive what it meant but those
nasty white powdered wigs (Whigs first) appeared on the page of my mind. Sifting through reams of definitions (and
cobwebby memory as that was decades ago), I think he was referring to
assumptions of special privileges and responsibilities.
To
me, I guess I did assume certain special privileges in being married. The occasional door opened for me out of
thoughtfulness when my hands were full and he could see my struggle, for
instance. The kind and gentle words,
when I came home confused that a man would approach me in a driveway, put his
hands around my throat as if to choke me, and then drop his hands when I said
“arrrggh” since I’ve never been a screamer.
“Call the police” was his only comment.
Why commiserate with me, I guess.
Friday,
I had another glimpse into my peculiar way of thinking. I had gone to see the Physician’s Assistant
who writes the script for my meds again.
I had said to her “I took the questionnaire I found online about
codependence and can have no argument about finding myself as such.” I went on to tell her that what struck me
most was learning I had unerringly drawn men to me who were emotionally
unavailable. She joined in with
unavailable or “needy”. My immediate
comment was I would never have interest in a “needy” man for having had a
“needy” mother, and as the night follows the day, I realized the neediness of
the men I drew to me in their social ineptness, in their utter lack of social
skills. I told a tale or two regarding
my first husband (as mentioned in first paragraph) thinking in such terms of
neediness, and she suggested, neediness or Asperger’s. OMG!
I’m
aware that Asperger’s is a relatively new diagnoses, and complicated by
different uses, but I had seen it and dealt with it in a young teen I’d worked
with in the Crises Center (serving as full scale live-in and school behavioral
treatment center) I’ve mentioned working at in Utah ten to fifteen years
ago. My eyes became teary as I realized
how dense I’ve been, even with reading my first husband’s face – “How do you do
that” when seeing me join in conversation and laughter with completely total
strangers a table away at a restaurant.
The
real eye opener was learning about some famous folks with Asberger’s. Researching again just now to be accurate,
why am I not surprised that Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock KBE, is one. I felt the same with Albert Einstein. I have to say, what a real eye opener to see
that Steven Spielberg had been diagnosed when young. I couldn’t help but wonder about the end of
his marriage to Amy Irving in a possible different light.
Today,
as I reflect on my “elitism”, I realize it’s my thinking that resides on a
level of elitism. I have failed to be
very open minded. I want what I want –
like any addict does. I may (it seems)
always have vestiges of belief that reside in my (“normal” – not!) childhood
and the way things are “supposed to be”, and my record is to be slow on the
uptake when it comes to being aware of and understanding other ways of being. It appears (from where I am) I have a long
ways to go. Dare I ask: how about you?
I can tell you this, AZ. You really have no idea how I long to hear
from you in response. Later, K
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