Hi,
AZ! Don't worry about treading on some personal toes. I made the
greeting to cover everyone, you know, A to Z. It's funny to see that it also
looks like I'm saying hi to Arizona, where I've spent the majority of my
life.
That leads me right in to what I wanted to say here. I've been reflecting on some questions, not the least of which is "Do you have a plan for your life? Or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?" My answer mentally (to the first question) was howdy, hello, no! (You can throw away six extra letters there, unless it was for you I was cleaning my language up a bit.) Surely you jest! You see I have been discovering over the last few years that I've been "spinning" my own life to me to a preposterous degree.
I've been working on taking charge and making it all better. I blew it big time this morning and as I came to the end of a two hour walk, blatantly unrepentant despite knowing I was, in essence, digging my own grave, and feeling still rotten, I knew I had farther to go than my gloomiest projections.
I did manage to keep from stropping myself mentally, at least until I sat at one end of the house more than an hour fearing seeing my protagonist, then fearing not seeing her. The worst part of that was having to face the inner knowing that I had no desire to apologize, or to explain or to seek forgiveness.
Dadgum, if I wasn't stuck, (after supposed years of evolving, heh, heh, yeh, right) with self arguing. "I had every right". (There's nothing quite like being right, even if you're the only one who sees it that way!) But being stuck is pretty much a spot on match for the question, "or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?"
What I've been realizing (after thinking I had this down years ago) is that I have plots and plots of "stinkin' thinkin'". My entire field needs to be changed. The scope of that is rather mind boggling, in particular after all the grousing I've done about merely getting "positive."
And, so, I thought I'd work it out pretending to write the whole of it out for you. Now, the good news is that if you're really reading it, I'm no longer pretending, and that feels all the better. The not so shiny bright and good news is that if I never hear from you and have no clue you exist, it still feels like pretense to me. I say this to plant a seed to let you know I'd really like to hear from you down the road, should you feel so inclined.
That leads me right in to what I wanted to say here. I've been reflecting on some questions, not the least of which is "Do you have a plan for your life? Or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?" My answer mentally (to the first question) was howdy, hello, no! (You can throw away six extra letters there, unless it was for you I was cleaning my language up a bit.) Surely you jest! You see I have been discovering over the last few years that I've been "spinning" my own life to me to a preposterous degree.
I've been working on taking charge and making it all better. I blew it big time this morning and as I came to the end of a two hour walk, blatantly unrepentant despite knowing I was, in essence, digging my own grave, and feeling still rotten, I knew I had farther to go than my gloomiest projections.
I did manage to keep from stropping myself mentally, at least until I sat at one end of the house more than an hour fearing seeing my protagonist, then fearing not seeing her. The worst part of that was having to face the inner knowing that I had no desire to apologize, or to explain or to seek forgiveness.
Dadgum, if I wasn't stuck, (after supposed years of evolving, heh, heh, yeh, right) with self arguing. "I had every right". (There's nothing quite like being right, even if you're the only one who sees it that way!) But being stuck is pretty much a spot on match for the question, "or do you feel that you are living a life that was dealt to you by outside forces?"
What I've been realizing (after thinking I had this down years ago) is that I have plots and plots of "stinkin' thinkin'". My entire field needs to be changed. The scope of that is rather mind boggling, in particular after all the grousing I've done about merely getting "positive."
And, so, I thought I'd work it out pretending to write the whole of it out for you. Now, the good news is that if you're really reading it, I'm no longer pretending, and that feels all the better. The not so shiny bright and good news is that if I never hear from you and have no clue you exist, it still feels like pretense to me. I say this to plant a seed to let you know I'd really like to hear from you down the road, should you feel so inclined.
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