Not for the Faint of Heart! Sorry in Advance

Dear Father,

I am angry, so angry, and really, really very angry and I do not WANT to be going backwards like this.  I could go bury my head in bed and say  some things by rote and try to get unconscious and go to sleep and hope I feel better after but that didn’t happen between last night      and this morning.  I don’t know what I should be doing.  I feel like a pawn again in my prayers.  Pray, pray, pray I was taught, we humans are taught.  Ask and I shall receive, I am taught, read in the scriptures, see on the web, read in books and talks and article titles; oh, yeah, “ask” and I “shall receive”.  That has always worked between me and Thee, now then, hasn’t it?  Too bad I don’t discern better what Thou dost want to give me, n’est pas?  But, let me say thanks, Father.  Let me say thanks.  (Trust me; He does not need me to hold up the sign:  Sarcasm!)

I do hope I have not bitten off more than I can chew!  I need to step up to the plate and say will chew.  At least I know for certain I am not the only individual on planet earth to find it difficult to change my mindset, change my thinking, and change how I do my life.  But, OMG, must it be so hard?  It is so much more than changing just a habit, although it is that as well.

The opening paragraph is a watered down version of how totally out of control my thinking and attitude can become.  I’ve come to realize I go straight for blaming God.  I pray on my knees every day and have for well over thirty years.  (You thought I’d give my age away there, didn’t you?)  My conversations with God have been a staple through all but a portion of one mood episode in my life and so if I feel something with more power than I can handle at the moment, who am I most used to talking to?  Unfortunately, that’s true even when I’m talking smack.  I honestly don’t think I could stop talking to God, no matter how ugly I can be about my attitude.  I know that’s offensive and I apologize to those who cannot relate.  I share so openly because I know there are people who can relate and when I can take more time, I will share what I am learning and have learned so that life needn’t be so painful.